Cognitive Dissonance in Relationships

The term cognitive dissonance (CD) is used to describe the mental discomfort that results from holding two conflicting beliefs, values, or attitudes. People tend to seek consistency in their attitudes and perceptions, so this conflict causes feelings of unease or discomfort.

This inconsistency between what people believe and how they behave motivates them to engage in actions that will help minimize feelings of discomfort. People attempt to relieve this tension in different ways, such as by rejecting, explaining away, or avoiding new information.

Sometimes, trying to minimize cognitive dissonance can result in maladaptive behaviors or lead to a relationship ending. Dealing with it can also cause stress; many cannot overcome it alone. We will share some professionals´ insights about how cognitive dissonance impacts different relationships and offer advice on how to overcome it on your own or with the help of We Level Up California. 

Cognitive Dissonance and Relationships

Throughout life, we form different relationships, and with time, we might experience changes that lead to cognitive dissonance in those relationships. Corrine Leikam, PsyD, an associate director at Sober College in Los Angeles, and Dr. Noulas shared their expert opinion on cognitive dissonance in relationships and some cognitive dissonance examples.

Cognitive Dissonance in Friendships

What would be an example of cognitive dissonance in friendships? 

Think of a friend you’ve known for many years. If you were to trace your friendship back to the very beginning, you’d likely realize you bonded over a shared interest or circumstance. Maybe you attended junior high together or met in a theater group in college.

Decades later, you probably aren’t the same people you were back then. “Oftentimes, our beliefs and values will change as we grow up, and we may encounter new differences between ourselves and old friends,” says Leikam. But that doesn’t mean you need to break up with your friend because you don’t have as many things in common. Instead, you’ll likely adjust your values and beliefs so they get in sync with your friends.

For example, if you stop liking acting, that doesn’t mean you won’t support your friend’s pursuits as an actor, though it may require some personal reconciliation to accept that this interest is still important to your friend despite it not being important to you anymore.

Cognitive Dissonance in Dating

Similar situations occur within romantic relationships, but they can become a bit more complicated. This is particularly the case if you are dating an addict in recovery or if the person involved is someone you see as a potential lifelong partner. Many have a checklist of what they may be looking for in a partner.  “It will be very rare to find someone with every single characteristic on your list or exactly matching goals,” Dr. Leikam says. So, you compromise for the relationship to work.

Let’s say you fall in love with a man or woman from a different religion, for example. “Your family is against marriage, and you also never thought you’d marry someone outside of your religion,” Noulas says. You’re left with a choice: You can magnify the importance of religion and break up with them, justifying your decision by saying it never would have worked out. Or you can choose to stay with him or her and tell yourself that religion isn’t all that important to you.

You’ll rationalize that choice by saying you don’t practice your religion much anyway or that it’s more important to find someone who is kind and faithful than someone who comes from the same religious background, Noulas says.

To make the relationship work, “we may rationalize the negative characteristics in order to align with our vision of what the relationship should be,” Leikam says. It can be positive if you decide to drop unrealistic expectations. Or it can be negative if you end up minimizing concerning personality traits (“red flags”), Leikam says.

Cognitive Dissonance in Marriage

Similar to friendships, in marriage, “you will grow and change and make an effort to keep the relationship alive and thriving,” Leikam says. Cognitive dissonance in marriage can result when you and your husband or wife have different views, attitudes, or behaviors.

Sometimes, you’ll just let your partner’s behavior slide, and other times, you’ll adjust your own beliefs to be consistent with theirs, such as when you start rooting for a sports team or following a particular type of music because your partner is into that and you want to share that activity. But things get sticky if you end up compromising your values for the sake of the marriage. For example, if you stop volunteering for an organization you’ve always cared about or stop a hobby because your partner doesn’t support it or isn’t interested.

How severe the cognitive dissonance is depends on the behavior and how big of a gap there is between the behavior and your beliefs, Leikam says. Sometimes, dealing with and accepting a bit of dissonance helps marriages last. According to an article from the American Psychological Association, people in happy marriages tend to give their partner the benefit of the doubt and focus on the things that make their spouse wonderful rather than dwelling on their shortcomings.

Accepting that there will be some conflicts and disagreements—such as over a bedroom paint color or whose turn it is to fold the laundry—allows happy couples to focus on the more significant things keeping them together, like family values, honesty, and genuine care for one another.

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Cognitive Dissonance in Abusive Relationships

It’s important to note that too much dissonance can enable abuse in relationships, too. Oftentimes, the victim is motivated to make the relationship work, Leikam explains. In abusive relationships, the victim may justify the abuser’s behavior and downplay what happened and how it made them feel to reduce the dissonance, Noulas says.

One study noted that victims in these types of relationships have trouble deciding whether to stay or leave since they may view the violence as an exception that doesn’t represent the person’s past behavior. So a woman might say it’s okay that her boyfriend hit her because it was a one-time thing, and, usually, he is more loving. Or she may come up with reasons why it was her fault, not his.

Cognitive Dissonance Symptoms

Cognitive dissonance can make people feel uneasy and uncomfortable, particularly if the disparity between their beliefs and behaviors involves something central to their sense of self. For example, behaving in ways that are not aligned with your values may result in intense feelings of discomfort. Your behavior contradicts not just your beliefs about the world but also your beliefs about yourself.

This discomfort can manifest itself in a variety of ways. People may feel:

Cognitive dissonance can even influence how people feel about and view themselves, leading to negative feelings of self-esteem and self-worth. Because people want to avoid this discomfort, cognitive dissonance can have many effects. Dissonance can affect how people act, think, and make decisions. They may engage in behaviors or adopt attitudes to help relieve the discomfort caused by the conflict.

Everyone experiences cognitive dissonance to some degree, but that doesn’t mean that it is always easy to recognize. Some signs that what you are feeling might be related to dissonance include:

• Feeling uncomfortable before doing something or making a decision
• Trying to justify or rationalize a decision that you’ve made or an action you have taken
• Feeling embarrassed or ashamed about something you’ve done and trying to hide your actions from other people
• Experiencing guilt or regret about something you’ve done in the past
• Doing things because of social pressure or a fear of missing out (FOMO), even if it wasn’t something you wanted to do

Cognitive Dissonance Causes

Some of the most common cognitive dissonance causes are:

1. Forced compliance
2. New information
3. Decisions

Factors Contributing to Cognitive Dissonance in Relationships

The degree of dissonance people experience can depend on a few factors, including how highly they value a particular belief and the degree to which their beliefs are inconsistent. There are also other factors that can affect the overall strength of the dissonance, such as:

1. The importance attached to each belief: Cognitions that are more personal, such as beliefs about the self and highly valued, tend to result in greater dissonance.
2. The number of dissonant beliefs: The more dissonant (clashing) thoughts you have, the greater the strength of the dissonance.

Cognitive Dissonance Impact

Cognitive dissonance can often have a powerful influence on our behaviors and actions. When our beliefs and actions are in conflict, it creates discomfort that drives us to seek resolution. This may lead to changing our beliefs, justifying our actions, or even altering our behavior to align with our beliefs. The impact of cognitive dissonance is not just emotional but also behavioral, as it pushes us to take steps to reduce the discomfort and restore internal consistency.

Unhealthy Cognitive Dissonance Coping Strategies

When there are conflicts between cognitions (thoughts, beliefs, and opinions), people will take steps to reduce the dissonance and feelings of discomfort. They can go about doing this in a few different ways, such as:

• Adding more supportive beliefs that outweigh dissonant beliefs: People who learn that greenhouse emissions result in global warming might experience feelings of dissonance if they drive a gas-guzzling vehicle. To reduce this dissonance, they may seek new information that overrides the belief that greenhouse gases contribute to global warming.
• Changing your belief: Changing the conflicting cognition is one of the most effective ways of dealing with dissonance, but it is also one of the most difficult, particularly in the case of deeply held values and beliefs, such as religious or political leanings.
• Reducing the importance of the conflicting belief: A man who cares about his health might be disturbed to learn that sitting for long periods of time during the day is linked to a shortened lifespan. Since he has to work all day in an office and spends a great deal of time sitting, it is difficult to change his behavior. To deal with the feelings of discomfort, he might justify his sedentary behavior by saying that his other healthy behaviors—like eating sensibly and occasionally exercising—make up for his largely sedentary lifestyle.

How people resolve cognitive dissonance can sometimes contribute to unhealthy behaviors or poor decisions. In “A Theory of Cognitive Dissonance,” Leon Festinger, the psychologist who first described this phenomenon, gave an example of how a person might deal with dissonance related to a health behavior by discussing individuals who continue to smoke, even though they know it is bad for their health.

There are a few ways that a person might resolve this dissonance:

• According to Festinger, a person might decide that they value smoking more than they value health, deeming the behavior “worth it” in terms of risks versus rewards.
• Another way to deal with this dissonance is to minimize potential drawbacks. Smokers might convince themselves that the negative health effects have been overstated. They might also assuage their health concerns by believing that they cannot avoid every possible risk.
• Festinger also suggested that people might try to convince themselves that if they do stop smoking, they will then gain weight, which also presents health risks. By using such explanations, the smoker is able to reduce the dissonance and continue the behavior.

Some things that a person might do to cope with cognitive dissonance in relationships and in life include:

• Adopting beliefs or ideas to help justify or explain away the conflict between their beliefs or behaviors. This can sometimes involve blaming other people or outside factors.
• Hiding their beliefs or behaviors from other people. People may feel ashamed of their conflicting beliefs and behaviors, so hiding the disparity from others can help minimize feelings of shame and guilt.
• Only seeking out information that confirms their existing beliefs. This phenomenon, known as the confirmation bias, affects the ability to think critically about a situation but helps minimize feelings of dissonance.

However, cognitive dissonance can also affect their relationships, both past and future. Addressing these issues may require involving significant others in the rehab process to build a strong support system, ensuring a more comprehensive approach to recovery.

Understand Cognitive Dissonance in Relationships and Lead a More Balanced Life

Cognitive dissonance is a mental discomfort that can lead to a variety of toxic and addictive behaviors, like substance abuse disorders or abusive relationships. We Level Up California Treatment Center can provide you, or someone you love, with the tools to manage the negative results of excessive dissonance with professional and safe treatment. 

Don’t hesitate to contact us to speak with one of our counselors. We can provide relevant information about issues like cognitive dissonance in relationships. Our specialists know what you are going through. Please know that each call is private and confidential.

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